Ah vacations…I remember them like they were yesterday. My husband and I used to vacation with the best of them. We would sleep in until noon, order room service, have an afternoon activity and head out on the town at night for a big booze-filled dinner. Fast forward two years and a baby later, and vacations are no longer something I would call relaxing. They are more like enrolling in the witness protection program, rebuilding your life entirely in a matter of 3 days, only to have to rebuild it again 3 days later when you return home. I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with the term staycation must have had a toddler.
Seeing as how summer is just days away, I’ve created a short list of why I won’t be heading on any so-called vacations with my 17-month-old this summer. Here’s why:
1. You have to pack up your whole house, which makes airplane travel even more unpleasant and expensive.
We now limit our vacations to a 5-hour driving radius around our hometown and, let me tell you, it’s not an exciting radius.
2. You will get vomited on at some point during the traveling period.
Which is fine, I guess, if you are into that sort of thing.
3. You need to pay for a suite. And suites are f-ing expensive.
Of course you don’t have to get a suite if you EITHER a) enjoy sharing a room with a child who is staring at you while you ignore them and pray they go to sleep OR b) enjoy ending your night at 8pm and sitting in the dark, in silence, so as not to wake your child (that is if they ever fall asleep).
4. You will not be able to maintain any semblance of a schedule.
Have you tried going to the beach with a small child? It’s like packing for a mini-vacation that, by the time you get there, lasts for 2 hours max before you have to return back to the hotel for naptime. Also, you should know, there is no such thing as lying on the beach with a toddler.
5. You will not be able to sample the local cuisine.
I am, or should I say used to be, a big foodie. Now all I look for in a restaurant is a place that offers chicken nuggets and the fastest service known to man.
6. You will have to re-sleep train your child.
And this can be VERY awkward if you are staying in a quaint B&B. We had this unfortunate experience while staying at a small beachside inn last summer, and we were lucky that no one called child protective services. Depending on the length of your vacation, you may want to screw the sleep training and opt for whatever it takes – hold/rock/drive your child to sleep. Either way, you will need to re-sleep train when you get home, and that is torture.
So this summer, instead of shelling out tons of money to pack up your life and head to Amish country covered in vomit, I strongly recommend that you consider taking a staycation. Join me! I’ll be the one sitting in my backyard, laying out in the sun and sipping on a piña colada while my toddler takes her afternoon nap. Now THAT is what I call relaxing.