• The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Gwyneth

    Posted on April 17, 2014 by Stephens Family Daycare in Contributor, Crib Notes, Parenting.

    Ali SolomonWe here at Cribsters are so pleased to introduce the newest blogger in our Cribsters Contributor series, Ali Solomon. Today Ali shares her insights into what your name choice for your newborn says about you… and ultimately means for your baby. Ali is an art teacher and freelance cartoonist in New York City. She lives with her husband, toddler daughter, and newborn baby in a state of blissful lunacy. You will see some of her cartoons on Cribsters as part of our Cribsters Chuckles series, and you can find more of her ridiculous nonsense at Wiggle Room and Twitter.

    What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet.  Possibly, but if said flower was called “fart monster,” I bet fewer people would actually try to smell it.  Names are important, which is why my husband and I have devoted 99% of my pregnancy to trying to choose one wisely (and the other 1% to actually learning how to care for a baby).

    The Top 10 Categories for Naming Your Baby

    1.) Sports Authority

    Sample Names:  Peyton Manning, Jeter, Madden

    What this will say about you: Your raging fandom extends to your wee ones.
    What your child will be like: Due to mild asthma and flat feet, the only thing your child will play is the tuba in the marching band.

    2.) Literary Heroes

    Sample Names:  Hammett, Huckleberry, Lolita, Holden
    What this will say about you: You are a well-read intellectual.
    
What your child will be like: Super-cute, but dumb as a bag of pop rocks.

    3.) Old-fashioned

    Sample Names: Esther, Beverly, Dorothy, Maude, Irving, Ira

    What this will say about you: You had an unusually close relationship with your great-grandparents.

    What your child will be like: Male or female, they will grow up to look like Bea Arthur.

    BeaArthur

    4.) Celebrity Trends

    Sample Names:  Khloe, Angelina, Scarlett, Taylor, Katy, Ashton

    What this will say about you: You have your finger on the pulse of pop culture and current events.

    What your child will be like:  Will someday get paid in singles.

    5.) Gender Benders

    Sample Names: Jeff, Trevor, Gregory (for girls); Kimberly, Diana, Sue (for boys)

    What this will say about you: You refuse to conform to societal norms.
    What your child will be like:  British.

    6.) Kreative Spellor
    
Sample Names: Jenyphr, Derryk, Peeta, Jazmene

    What this will say about you: You like to think outside the box. Or are possibly dyslexic.

    What your child will be like: Constantly pissed off that, at amusement parks, they will never find a keychain with their exact name on it.

    7.) Presidential

    Sample Names:  Monroe, Jefferson, Van Buren, Taft
    What this will say about you: You have a strong sense of patriotism and history. Also, you just read a restaurant placemat that lists all the presidents.

    What your child will be like: A budding anarchist.

    8.) Random Stuff Around the Room

    Sample Names: Apple, Salami, Twig, Blender, Luger

    What this will say about you: You clearly do not care if your child is mistaken for a household appliance
.
    What your child will be like: Frequently mistaken for a household appliance.

    9.) Music Lover
    Sample Names: Ringo, Beck, Morrissey, Cher

    What this will say about you: You want everyone to know what good taste in music you have.
    What your child will be like: The best karaoke star at their prep school.

    10.) World Traveler

    Sample Names: Seville, Cairo, Orlando, Geneva, Newark
    What this will say about you: You want your child to have a meaningful connection to the place of their conception.

    What your child will be like: Really, really grossed out by their name.

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